Hello. 

 

Welcome aboard this Chemotherapy Airways flight to Survival. 

My name is Fluorouracil and I will be heading your cabin crew alongside my colleagues Epirubicin, Cyclophosphamide and Docetaxel. 

 

Our pilot in the cockpit is Captain NHS. 

 

Our flight time will be approximately 6 months. 

 

The Captain has just switched on the Fasten Infusion sign. Please stow your emotional baggage either under the seat in front of you or in one of the overhead compartments. Please use caution when opening these during the flight as the contents might come spilling out due to the emotional ride you’re on.  

 

Now please take your seat and buckle up in preparation for your journey. 

 

We will now be taking you through our safety demonstration and kindly ask that you give us the complete attention your fuggy brain can spare. 

 

Your IV is fastened here, here or here.  

 

There are several emergency rest points onboard this aircraft. Two on the sofa, two on the bed, plenty along the floor. Please take a few moments to locate your nearest one.  

 

Please also take a moment to refer to the safety card in the seat back pocket in front of you for details of the brace position, which closely resembles being steamrollered. 

 

In the likely event of the cabin losing pressure and your hair falling out, wigs will drop from above. Pull one towards you, place over your head and breathe normally. The wig will not inflate. Please learn how to fit your own wig before helping others.  

 

Life pyjamas are located underneath your seat. We recommend removing the life pyjamas from their container now, placing them over your body and fastening them securely. They can be adjusted by pulling on the toggle at the waistband. Do not remove the life pyjamas until exiting the aircraft. Your mobile phone can be used as a light and a whistle to attract attention. 

 

Toilets can be found at the front and rear of the aircraft. You may need them more than usual. Or less.  

 

We have a wide variety of entertainment available to you on board this aircraft. We particularly recommend the very vivid dreams and the mindless daytime TV.  

Our inflight entertainment also includes an assortment of games such as “breathless staircase climb”, “stop the palpitations”, “do up the button with those tingly fingers” and the classic “dodge the death germs”. 

 

There is likely to be much turbulence along our route so do expect some nausea. We have a full range of anti-emetics available to you from our complimentary bar. You can also choose from our wider range of duty-free medication, each designed to combat the side effects of the one before.  

 

We will now be coming through the cabin with your choice of evening meal. Chicken or beef? They all taste the same. And for those of you with mouth ulcers, heartburn or indigestion, your choices are stingy or burny. 

 

Dear passengers we will shortly be arriving at Survival.  

 

For onward travellers, upon arrival please follow information signs for transfers to surgery, radiotherapy and hormone therapy. Our ground team will be delighted to help you with their endless care, patience and attention.  

 

On behalf of Chemotherapy Airways and the entire crew, I would like to congratulate you for completing this journey. We truly, truly hope to never see you onboard with us again. 

​

Chloë Jacquet